Dating Profile – Work in Progress

Hi there. My name is Peter. I am in my mid-fifties but still very much alive. I am not new to online dating and, to be honest, I had given it up as a bad idea after previous expensive and fruitless attempts but, after having put a bit too much sherry in one of my trifles earlier on today, I have decided to rejoin the fray on what is, essentially, a whim.

First of all, let me apologise for my having no profile photos as yet. I would urge you not to read anything into this. It is not, for example, an indication that I am doing this behind anyone’s back. I do not have a wife, a fiance, a girlfriend, a booty call on speed dial or a friend with benefits, although I do have a friend on benefits. I do have an ex-wife but this is not an indication that I come with ‘baggage’. In actual fact, she got the baggage along with almost everything else I owned save for the clothes I had on my back and a twelve year-old Samsung television.

Nor should you assume that I have not posted any photos because I am as ugly as all seven sins put together. In fact, I recently surveyed ten friends and family members asking them the fairly straightforward question, ‘Would you consider me to be a reasonably attractive man?’. Three of them said, ‘Yes’, without any hesitation, four said, ‘I suppose so’, after some hesitation, one person said, ‘Well, you’re not my cup of tea but I imagine there is at least one other human in the world who you might appeal to but they might very well be blind’ and one person said, ‘Hmm’. Hopefully, you will have noticed that this only adds up to nine people and are wondering what the tenth person said. Well, they said nothing. They just walked away laughing. Anyway, I’m reasonably pleased with these results and not just because I am very easily pleased. I should also say that my ex-wife, though not part of the group I surveyed, did say I am reasonably attractive too. However, I have reason to doubt her sincerity as there is a clause in our divorce settlement that says that if I should ever find true happiness again I have to return the television.

The actual reason I have not posted any photos is that I look best when viewed from about ten yards away through a thin mist and my arms are simply not long enough for me to take a selfie I am happy with. This is rather frustrating as photography is a passion of mine. Needless to say, I am working on a solution to this problem and will post some photos shortly.

Having studied the profiles of a variety of men on this site, I do know the sort of photos that men seem to think you ladies like but I’m afraid I may not be able to post an example of each of them. For example, I am not going to be able to post a photograph of myself topless in my bathroom wearing a pair of sunglasses. Although I do wear glasses, I don’t own a pair of sunglasses. I live in Lancashire so there really is no need for them. Similarly, I am not going to be able to post a photograph of me kneeling down beside a lake holding a large fish. I personally think tricking an aquatic animal into swallowing a hook and then dragging it out of the water before bludgeoning it to death with a hammer is quite cruel. I have tried sitting beside my local reservoir with a bucket trying to persuade a suitably large fish to jump into it but, as yet, this has not been successful. I am also struggling to get a photo of me sitting on the bonnet of an expensive car in the driveway of a large, detached house in some leafy suburb. Largely because I drive an old Ford Focus and live in a first floor flat near Ramsbottom.

As I mentioned earlier, photography is a passion of mine and I especially enjoy taking photos of the local wildlife, especially the birds. I will resist the urge to make any inappropriate comments about Great Tits, etc. at this point. I do most of my photography around where I live but, where restraining orders permit, I do like to get out and about with my camera as often as possible. My other passions include art, writing and waking up Alexa just so I can tell her to f**k off.

You should know that I smoke. I am planning to stop but this plan is now forty years in the making so I wouldn’t put too much weight on any promises I might make to quit. I can promise I won’t smoke around you if you don’t want me too. I can’t promise not to get my own back by trying to stick Nicotine patches to you while you’re not looking.

I don’t have a ‘type’ as such but my previous relationships have, in the main, been with fairly attractive women of average build or of slimmer than average build. Height is not an issue. I am slim and am now six foot one inches tall so most women are considerably shorter than me anyway. I have never found this to be an issue as I have a number of wooden boxes any one of which you are free to stand on should the need arise. I can also still bend in the middle which is quite useful. I actually used to be a little bit taller than I am now but my height is beginning to reduce with age which is rather curious as everything else seems to be getting bigger. If pushed, I would say I prefer long hair but I really don’t mind as long as it isn’t under your arms. I have no preference when it comes to colour, either of hair or skin. My own hair is grey/white or, as I prefer to describe it, silver with a bit of platinum. You’ll be glad to hear it covers all of my head. It also covers much of my chest too as it happens but this does not mean I am looking for a woman with chest hair of her own.

For a man who says, ‘Jesus Christ!’ as often as I do, I am singularly irreligious. I don’t have an awful lot of time for politics either and I don’t watch much television. So, if your idea of a good night in is curling up on the sofa and watching ‘Love Island’, please do not contact me and please do seek professional help immediately. Similarly, if your idea of a good day out is looking at cushion covers in Boundary Mill, please do not message me. I would rather be beaten to death with a frozen baguette than go to Boundary Mill for any reason.

If you have read the above then you can read. This is a good thing. If you have read the above and formed the opinion that I am quite possibly insane, then I agree with you. I quite possibly am. However, the chance remains that I am actually normal and the rest of the world is mad. If you have read the above and decide to message me, I will certainly reply. This is because I possess something called, ‘good manners’. I was brought up to be polite, respectful and considerate. If you weren’t, we probably won’t get along.

I have no problem if you are a vegan but I am not. Naturally, I would respect the choice you have made and will only try and slip some meat into you when you’re not looking. I am aware of how that sounds. If you are too, then should be ashamed of yourself. Dirty girl. Having said that, if you did just titter at that word play then we may very well get along.

Finally, I am not looking to get married next week. In fact, I’m not looking to be especially serious with anyone until such a time as I am confident that they’re honest, reliable, trustworthy and not likely to take me to Boundary Mill against my wishes. This goes for any shopping mall actually as they all make me go a bit woozy. I think it’s something to do with the shiny floor surfaces and the lack of daylight although I must concede that it may just be because they’re dreadful places no human should be made to suffer.

Much of the above is true. Some of it is not. If you want to be able to separate the fact from the fiction then please feel free to ask questions. I am a very open and honest person, a little too open and honest if I’m, well, honest. If you ask me a question I will give you my honest answer. There is absolutely no need to cable-tie me naked to a washing machine with a bowlful of hot wax balanced between my shoulder blades whilst turning the dial slowly towards the spin cycle … unless we’ve agreed to it as an alternative to watching Love Island. I actually would rather do that than watch ‘Love Island’ but then I’d do almost anything rather than watch ‘Love Island’.

If you’re still reading this profile then you’ll probably be wondering why I typed the word ‘finally’ a few dozen words ago when I clearly wasn’t finished. To be honest, I’ve no idea. I do have a tendency to go off on tangents and, occasionally, I get lost up my own metaphor but this is only because, remarkably, I am brimming with enthusiasm at the idea of online dating. I’m sure this won’t last very long. My advice would be to strike while the iron’s hot which is an especially odd idiom for me to choose to use as I’ve not actually ironed anything since I opted into being ‘self-partnered’ five years ago.

Thank you for reading my profile. I hope you have enjoyed it and that it inspires you into some kind of response. Should you wish to learn more about me you can message me or look through the BBC’s Crimewatch archive once I have posted some photos. In the meantime, adieu, au revoir, auf weidershen and goodbye.

PS

Dating an older woman does not have the appeal it used to have when I was younger so if you are over the age of fifty-five please cross me off your list.

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