My Last Bog Roll

I've only got one bog roll, What am I to do? What will happen when it's gone, And I need a number two?   I've now got half a bog roll, And I'm sat upon the loo, Should use a single sheet, Or tempt fate by using two?   I've now just got the one sheet left, …

A Big Mistake

A big mistake was made today, When we followed a liar's word, Pulled up the gang-plank and sailed away, From truth we never even heard.   A big mistake was made today, And Europe shakes its head, While it watches us turn our backs, On the legacy of all those dead.   A big mistake …

I Saw a Bee Yesterday

I saw a bee yesterday, And he asked me if I knew, Where all the flowers had gone, As there were none where they once grew, I turned to him and said, "I fear, There are no more flowers here, We sprayed them all with Paraquat, So we could build a parking lot."   I …

Hope and Despair

A chirpy whistling filled the air, The melody behind the wide-eyed stares, Of boys who sought adventure, And didn't have a care, Blissfully ignorant of the truth, They beamed with hope and with pride, Fresh-faced and flushed with youth, Pondering, wide-eyed, On the truth of the stories they'd been told, As they marched along the Menin …

Tequila Love

Oh tequila, Even though I saw you coming, I still blundered in, Desperate, I suppose, to scratch an itch, Still buried beneath my skin, And, yes, I should have known much better, Than to dream of sun where there'd be rain, But as my lips got wetter, I just drowned in you ... again, Oh tequila, …

Merry Christmas!

To the tune of 'We three kings of Orient are':   I've only bought one present so far, A pair of socks I bought at the Spar, 'Field and Fountain', 'Moor and Mountain', Are the pubs I've been banned from so far, Oh it's a wonder I'm still upright, After challenging that rugby team to …

Lucky to be Nostalgic

Pretty, little cottages, With white, picket fences, Rose-covered arches, Wisteria walls, Happy little children, Wearing bonnets and blushes, Filling baskets with flowers, On a warm, summer's day.   How much we loved our childhood, How much we miss those days, How fondly we look back on our lives, So glad the memory stays.   Dark, …

Gentleman Jack.

(To the tune of Gentleman Jack)   It must have been the way you minced, But you really did have me convinced, I actually thought you were a toff, Until I got your nightshirt off.   Then I found out you were 'Gentleman Jack', I nearly had a heart attack, I'd pulled your body close …

Leaking life

There's a hole in my bucket, There's a hole in yours too, And our liquid lives are leaking through, Drip by drop it never stops, You cannot halt the flow, And how much liquid you have got, You will never know, There's a hole in my bucket, There's a hole in yours too, So live …

Mother of God! (to be read in a Northern Irish accent)

Mother of God! The series has ended, But I'm not very happy, In fact, I'm offended. I wanted a thrilling climax, I wanted just desserts, I wanted her to wield the knife, So I could kick her where it hurts, Instead you've left me very vexed, By wrapping it all up with a few lines …

HMS Opportunity

So, it's time to get my act together, And stop acting like a slob, I've got a week to fix myself, For I've gone and got a job,   No more watching television, Until the sun doth rise, No more waking up at noon, With bags beneath my eyes,   Office hours they beckon me, …

The Vees and the Tees

  For the Vees, Mrs Read the librarian, rose from her chair, Waving a dust-covered tome in the air, "According to history, There is no big mystery, And I'm sorry if I'm being a bore, But twelve Norse blokes smashed up The Oaks, In the year eight-hundred and four, Since we know those Vikings loved …

Happy Eltonjohnmas

And I think it's gonna be a long, long time, I only wrote this line so it would rhyme, There's no John Lewis stuff in my home, Oh no, no, no, It's a racket, man .....

Hope and Despair

A chirpy whistling filled the air, The melody behind the wide-eyed stares, Of boys who sought adventure, And didn't have a care, Blissfully ignorant of the truth, They beamed with hope and with pride, Fresh-faced and flushed with youth, Pondering, wide-eyed, On the truth of the stories they'd been told, As they marched along the Menin …

Shoot all the rhinos ….

Shoot all the rhinos, Poison all the bees, Go out with your best felling axe, And chop down all the trees,   And when you’ve done destroying, Please do one thing for me, Poke my eyes out if you would, For what use are they when there’s nothing to see?